Life is Scary

Life is scary.

I could just end it there because it kinda sums it up. But here is the rest...

I guess it is the constant fear of the unknown. There are many things that I want in life, there are endless possibilities. I plan life because, in a way, I want to fill the void, I want to feel safe and reassured that everything will be fine and I will be happy... sometimes I have self-doubt while my brain wanders into the darkness. Right now, I am concerned about my career, I am also concerned about if my relationship with a particular person will stay. I know that that person would not intentionally leave, but through college and distance, I fear the connection would begin to fade. By the way, this is only a friend, and so, it's a possibility that things may change if they were to meet someone in college. I would totally be happy for them, but no matter what, I would still have a small spec of sadness inside.

Regarding college and future career, that is a definite scare for me because I practically saw my future when I interned at IBM over the summer of junior year. Don't get me wrong, the people I met were fantastic (words couldn't describe how much love I felt for them in that short about of time. When I was time for me to leave, I actually crying but had to be a big girl and suck it up because I didn't want people to see me like that) Despite the fantastic people and the flexible environment, I didn't like the idea of sitting at a desk continually working in an office, working task after task every day. Yes, I know that every job requires some amount of work behind a desk, but it's the work that I am doing that irritates me. I don't want a fixed salary, I want to be able to pick any number, and I will be able to achieve that salary. I sound like an entrepreneur, right? Well yes, yes it probably is, but I am going from one building to the next without a bridge to cross in between.

 I had researched many options and all sound wonderful, but there are things in the way that are preventing me. They are probably excuses, but they are school, parents, a job as a student, money, and me. The others are genuine problems that I must deal with first, but the last part is ME. I limit my self because sometimes I feel lazy and that is a big problem because I hate it whenever I feel that way. There are so many things that I want to so, but I myself is stopping me because one, self-doubt, second-guessing my commitment and persistence. Because I question my perseverance and dedication, I feel reluctant to purchase courses because I believe I wouldn't follow through and that purchase would have been a waste of my limited money. I know resources are out there, but nothing in life is free. I do want that lifestyle...I need to take care of what needs to be done first but continue to keep my dreams in mind.

I am not sure what the future holds but if I genuinely don't like that office job lifestyle, I know that every day after work despite my tiredness, I will work till I am free which I would then be able to afford the courses that I need to guide me towards success. I believe that the special friend that I hold dear will always be there for me when I need them. If we go our separate ways, there must be a reason, and there may be something out there better along the road that we haven't yet seen. Even so, I will trust that everything will turn out alright, but for now, I need to remember to enjoy life at the moment and appreciate everyone that surrounds me.